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On The Lighter Side of Things: Jokes and Funny Things
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Luke Tan
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Joined: 14 Jun 2009
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 10:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The father of the baby

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified to look at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 7:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Good Ole Boys

Bubba and Earl are two avid hunters who got a pilot to take them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they were loading them on the plane to come home, the pilot tells them the plane can only carry four.

The two good old boys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six animals were loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck Bubba asked Earl, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yeah, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Mon May 07, 2012 11:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The loss of engines

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 10:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Marriage

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some more One-liner Jokes on Marriage

• To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

•  There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 15, 2013 10:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some more One-liner Jokes on marriage (2)

• Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

• A man is a person who will pay $20 for a $10 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t want.

• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 2:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Other One-Liner Jokes

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.

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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 28, 2013 12:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

More One-Liner Jokes on Marriage (3)


* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
 
* I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.
 
* Q: Do you talk to your wife after sex? A: Depends, if I can find the phone!
 
* I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2013 12:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lesbian?

Boy: Will you marry me?
Girl: Sorry, I am a lesbian.
Boy: What’s a lesbian?
Girl: I like to sleep with girls.
Boy: Ha-ha really? I am also lesbian!

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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 02, 2013 1:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Short Joke

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci!"


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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 24, 2013 2:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A COUPLE OF CHRISTMAS JOKES

(1) The Three Wise Women


You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!


(2)The Gift


"Thanks for the electric guitar you gave me for Christmas," little Chris Cody said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."
      
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
      
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2014 12:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two Cows

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2014 1:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two Guys

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2014 8:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Larry's Bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2015 12:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Smartest Man in the World


A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

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