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On The Lighter Side of Things: Jokes and Funny Things
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Luke Tan
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Joined: 14 Jun 2009
Posts: 277

PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 11:55 am    Post subject: On The Lighter Side of Things: Jokes and Funny Things Reply with quote

Hi everybody,

Thought I'd start this thread for jokes, and funny things - to kind of balance the more serious stuff we'd been having lately.

At our age we could do well to laugh all the more at the funny or silly side of life. Helps to keep us young - young at heart at least! Hoping you'd pass your comments and/or share your funny stuff here for all to enjoy.

For starters I'm sharing this pic below which I actually stumbled upon quite by chance! Hoping it'll elicit at least a smile from you.

Enjoy
Luke
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Thean Teik
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Joined: 11 May 2009
Posts: 197

PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good Morning Chegu Luke,
Hahaha. Digital manipulation should be banned. One just cannot trust what one sees nowaday. Gone are the days when 'What you see is what you get'.
Peace
Thean Teik
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Luke Tan
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Joined: 14 Jun 2009
Posts: 277

PostPosted: Thu Aug 06, 2009 5:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Pheh & All,

Ya, we just cannot trust any photo nowadays. Any photo can be 'photoshopped'. Is this progress? I wonder.

I suppose it can be considered an art when creatively done. At least it can result in some humourous ones like the one I posted.

Continuing in this humourous vein, I'm sharing below, a joke I also accidentally came across. Many of you may have already seen it somewhere, but I share it here with you anyway, just hoping to tickle some funnybone somewhere.
--


Keep the Motor Running

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!"
--


Cheers
Luke

P.S.
Just a reminder to all:
"You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!"
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Luke Tan
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Joined: 14 Jun 2009
Posts: 277

PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 7:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

24 Hours to live

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”  
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Luke Tan
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Joined: 14 Jun 2009
Posts: 277

PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 7:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Timbuktu

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is a city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
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Thean Teik
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Joined: 11 May 2009
Posts: 197

PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 8:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good Morning Chegu Luke,
Please keep them coming. They are good for the soul. If they are good for the soul they are good for the body too.
Peace
Thean Teik
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Luke Tan
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Joined: 14 Jun 2009
Posts: 277

PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 2:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Pheh,

Thanks for the encouragement and your words of philosophical wisdom. I'll try to remember them in my spare time as I scour my collection of jokes to pick suitable ones to share here.

Meantime, hope you'll enjoy this next one below.

Cheers
Luke

Death of a Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away”, said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money. I’m broke”, and she proceeded to closer the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door, and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty”, he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Farmer’s Stud

An Arkansas farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9 opened the door.

‘Is yer Dad home?’ the farmer asked.

‘No sir, he ain’t,’ the boy replied. ‘He went into town.’

‘Well,’ said the farmer, ‘Is yer Mom here?’

‘No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.’

‘How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?’

‘He went with Mom and Dad.’

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

‘Is there anything I can do fer ya?’ the boy asked politely ‘I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.’

‘Well,’ said the farmer uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.’

The boy considered for a moment. ‘You would have to talk to Pa about that’, he finally conceded. ‘If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $100 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard…..
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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 10:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Family Problem

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said, "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

*


Last edited by Luke Tan on Tue Aug 25, 2009 10:24 am; edited 2 times in total
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Luke Tan
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Posts: 277

PostPosted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 10:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Walk on the Wild Side

A retirement village decided to hold a Singles Dance, at which this very sweet 90-year-old gentleman met a very sweet 90-year-old lady, and they danced and talked and laughed, and just hit it off great.

They continued to see each other for a while and enjoyed each other so much, and danced so well together, etc., that they decided to get married.

On their wedding night, they went to bed and he reached over and took her hand and squeezed it, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to sleep.

On the second night, when they went to bed, he reached over and squeezed her hand, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to sleep.

On the third night, he reached over and took her hand, and she said, "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache."

*
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Luke Tan
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Posts: 277

PostPosted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 9:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Trouble with the car

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.

Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

*
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Luke Tan
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 11:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All the same

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along.

After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese."

The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"

"Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

"Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike."

Another thirty minutes of silence.

Finally, the First Officer says: "No like Jew."

"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

"Jews sink Titanic."

"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."

*
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Kugarajah



Joined: 06 May 2009
Posts: 5

PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 4:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dear Luke,
Stella must be doing something to you to keep the old motor running Wink Wink . Just keep up the good work.
Regards Kuga
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Luke Tan
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Joined: 14 Jun 2009
Posts: 277

PostPosted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 9:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Kuga,

It's great to hear from you again.

Yeah, Stella still keeps this old engine going with oil change that's getting less frequent nowadays. The grade of oil also has been downgraded. I get to use lower grade mineral oil now, not synthetic like before.

I started this joke column mainly to allow our members to share their funny stories here. At the same time I'm taking this opportunity to let them see my lighter side, especially for those who don't know me that well. I suspect that they think I'm such a serious guy, especially if they read my postings in the other forums here which I admit were mostly rather serious and technical.

But you already know me quite well. We've all been joking since our college days, haven't we?

So, for you especially I have selected this joke below.

Enjoy
Luke
***

Local Delicacy

Eating out in Spain, Mike sees a man at the next table eating something that smells wonderful.

Mike asks the waiter what it is. “Bull’s testicles from the bullfight this morning,” the waiter replies. “It’s a local delicacy.”

Initially appalled, Mike then thinks, Why not? and asks the waiter to bring him some.

“Sorry, señor,” the waiter tells him. “There is only one fight each morning so there is only one serving per day. Come back tomorrow.”

Next day, Mike orders the testicles. They taste great, but are much smaller than the ones he’d seen the day before. He asks the waiter why.

The waiter shrugs and replies, “Señor, sometimes the bull wins.”

*
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Thean Teik
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Joined: 11 May 2009
Posts: 197

PostPosted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good Morning Chegu Luke,
Kuga posted that lasy one some time ago in the old website. Thanks all the same as even old jokes brings laughters.

Good Morning Kuga,
Knowing you are very busy, it's not likely that you will read this. But, just in case you do, just to let you know your absence is felt.

Peace
Thean Teik
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